"Aye boy, uh, ahem. Well, yeah. You're right. I don't talk like a pirate because I'm not one."

"So why do you bother with all this shitty pirate accent crap!" I ask him trying to suppress my puzzled as hell look on my face.

"Shitty! You say! Aye, you son of a bitch! Spit out all that free shrimp cocktail you just ate fatty! How dare you come along on this awesome adventure and continue to insult me!"

The look on his face is that of a man who is likely to give me a pirate roundhouse to the face. So I decide to apologize.......

"Alright Captain Morgan wannabe.....I mean! Sammy. Im sorry. Continue with the revealing of your pirate origin please."

"Right! Well okay fine! Aye! Uh so I mean, yeah. Im not a pirate. I come from a Greek family hailing from Astoria, Queens. I became a janitor at a school near my home and was fascinated by pirates from watching the old movies. Okay! Fine! There you have it! Im going to continue with the 'shitty pirate accent' if you don't mind so suck it up bitch! Arrrrrrrrrrrr!"

I was getting pretty bored from his story so I decided to make a castle out of my left over shrimp tails on the railing of the ship. I was just about to put on the finishing touches when the wind blew and sent the castle into Davey Jone's Locker.

"Son of a bitch!" I say under my breath not wanting Sammy to hear me. So I sigh and decide to listen to him some more seeing how the wind feels its important for me to do so.

"However Lad, I have been sailing for years! That part of pirate-kind of stuff about me is true ya see. In fact I discovered an island out here. It was the first of the Sandals' resorts. Me n' Sally used to frequently sail out here with Teddy to vacation by ourselves on it. Teddy eventually decided to start up the Sandals business using the island as the resort. We were part of the business then me n' Sally. Sally ran the front desk, and I took folks out on sailing trips."

"People didn't get weirded out by your pirate-antics Sammy? Because, no offense buddy, but, you aren't a gleaming picture of sanity. I mean, how did you manage to get a peg leg and a missing eye? And why did you get them for that matter?" I ask him signaling towards Julio to make me an iced tea with alcohol in it this time. Im going to need it to get through this story.

"Aye, Im getting to it my boy! Besides the tourists loved me and my sailing trips. We had some interesting adventures out on those tours. We robbed Cruise ships, and pillaged towns in some of the smaller shitty states like Delaware and Rhode Island. It was great! Aye, I even fought a giant sea monster! Although, I don't have found memories of that beast. For he is the cause of all my troubles. Including this here peg leg and missing eye o' mine."

"Right a Sea Monster!" I say with an eye roll. "Let me guess. A giant squid named The Kraken right?"

"Aye no! Actually I think its name was Mr. Swishy! Thats what the rumor was."

I almost shit my pants as I break out into perhaps the biggest fit of laughter I have ever had.

"Well what do you expect Lad!?! It was a friggin' Goldfish! 'Cept that it was a huge mammoth sized sucker! As big as the biggest whale you've ever seen and twice the appetite! It ate half of the boat and most of the tourists!
Me and a few brave souls alive tried our damnedest to stop the vicious wraith of the beast!"

All this time I haven't stopped laughing. I thought for sure my heart was going to stop. It was like the old bastard was trying to kill me with this ridiculous story of his.

"Come On!!!!!!!!" I barely say through my seizures of laughter. "Enough! Seriously! I mean, how can a Goldfish attack you? What could he possibly try to do? Strangle you with one of those lines of Goldfish shit that they make?"

"Thats right Lad! Very good! How did you guess? He swung his huge rope-like shit with such ferocity that it took out mi leg and mi eye! Along with the few remaining tourists I had with me. Poor souls."

I stared at him like someone who had just seen a dog sing a Mariah Carey song in perfect harmony.

"Seriously! And let me guess! This Goldfish came into existence because one of the tourists brought him to the resort, threw him in the ocean because they thought he was dead. And one day he suddenly resurfaces as this monstrous beast that you speak of."

"By golly! Boy you must be one of them fortune telling gypsies! That's correct!" He says to me with a look of amazement so elaborate that I might as well have pulled a rabbit out of my ass.

"Of course nobody believed me 'cept dear sweet Sally. Teddy was furious because he thought I killed all those tourists myself and single-handedly ruined his business. So he closed down the resort and told me to stay on the island to avoid the authorities that will definitely arrest me for killing all those people. And it was there that I lived with my faithful Sally until the second tragedy happened."

While he was talking I changed from a giddy laughing mood to a quiet dumbfoundness. Whether because this story was so strange that it was killing my brain cells or that I realized I might be mentally challenged for going on a sailing trip with a looney.