I just got off of work and man was I tired! I was on my way to take the train home when a homeless guy stopped me to ask for some change.

"Got any change there lad?" An old man asked with a dirty outstretched hand. He looked like an extra from a pirate movie. Complete with an eye patch, a crazy looking beard and missing teeth.

"No thanks. I gave at the office!" I said wincing a little bit, knowing that it doesn’t really make any sense. I just wanted him to leave me alone so I could go home.

"Gave at the office? What kind of bull shiiiii, hey wait!"

“Aw man! There’s always gotta be something on Wednesdays.” I said to myself as I turn around to see what this pirate looking nut bar wanted.

He starts to hobble over to me with, wouldn’t you know it, a peg leg.

“Listen Patches McGee! I don’t have time for this!” I said becoming very impatient.

“No time aye? No time…..to be rich?”

Grinning like an idiot he raised up to my eyes a handful of jewels from his pocket. Very shiny and large in size, I couldn’t help but to look at them.

“Ahhh yes! Impressive aye lad? And there is plenty of that to be had. If you help me find my buried treasure!”

“Okay hold on there, Captain Smelly Beard! Are you putting me on? Is this some kind of reality TV promo being filmed for Pirates of the Caribbean 4 that I’ve stumbled upon here? “

“irates of the Caribbe…….what, No! Listen Lad either tell me you’ll help me or Ill ask the next gullible sap… I mean, or break this poor old man’s heart.”

“And how will we find this treasure? Are you telling me its somewhere hidden here in New York City? Where is it hiding Crazy Ass? In the pirates exhibit at the Museum of Natural History?”

The old man slaps his face in utter disgust. I might have overdone it with the jokes I think to myself. Fearing that he might pull out a sharpened plastic McDonalds knife or something.

To my relieved surprise, he begins to laugh.

“Aye Lad! You are a funny one! That will definitely be appreciated by the crew when we set sail.” He says as he points to a car sitting on the end of the block.

“Set sail huh? So you’re saying that beat up ol’ station wagon not only looks like shit, but can also float on water too?”

“You know what lad? Fuck this and fuck you. Aye, forget it! This was our ride to my ship, but I’m done with your sass! God speed lad! You annoying son of a biiii.”

“Okay I’m in!” I yell before he can finish. “Hell it’s hot dog night at my house and I hate that shit.”




We drive down to the South street Seaport, which I should’ve seen coming, and walk down to the docks.

“Let me guess, one of those ships is your ship?” I ask him smugly.

“They will be!” He says as he looks over at the part of the docks where all the restaurants and stores are.

“Heyyyyyy Julio! What’s happening?” The old man yells out to a Spanish guy walking ahead of a group of other Spanish guys heading towards us. They were all wearing UNO’s Pizza uniforms.

“What the hell is going on?”

“Aye, what? Oh this is Julio. My first mate! Or at least he will be. I slipped a couple of the Spanish gentlemen who work at UNOs a few bucks to help us man the ship.”

“What the hell? Mexican dudes are going to help us run a ship? That doesn’t sound like a good idea! Do they know how to sail a ship? And lets get back to the more important question. You said one of these will be your ship? What did you mean by that?”

“Aye! Julio here has the keys to open the locks of the UNOs ship.”

“The UNOs ship? That shitty pizza place owns one of these huge ships?”

“Aye no! Not these big ones. The little green one on the end there.”

“Well if this isn’t one of the dumbest plans I have ever heard…” I said as I threw my hands up and began to walk away.

“Wait mi lad! Come back!” The old man has Julio run in front of me to stop me.

“or favor senor, espera.”

“Lad listen! You have to come with me. I promise it will be worth your time! I need you to translate mi orders to the crew.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, uh, you’re Spanish aren’t you? I mean you look like you got a little in you.”

“Uh, yeah I’m half. But I can’t speak a word of it?”

“Aye, Shit!” He says slapping his hand against his forehead like he did before. “Well, hey listen! Doesn’t matter. I still need ya lad. None of these guys speak a word of English and I’ll go mad if I can’t hold a conversation with anyone on the trip.”

I continue walking, ignoring ol’ Captain Weirdo.

“Did I mention Julio and his lads filled the boat with a month’s supply of shrimp cocktail from the restaurant?



So we are on our way. Well away from New York and heading towards the greater part of the Atlantic Ocean. I’ve just about had my day’s fill of shrimp as I ask the old man a question that is probably on everyone’s minds at the moment.

“Can you believe nobody saw us take the UNOs ship and sail away in it?”

“Aye, and you call yourself a native to this land. That was New York City mi boy. No one ever notices shit there!”

I nod in agreeance as I toss my last shrimp tail over the edge of the ship. We both stare at the endless waves of ocean before us.

“You never told me your name Captain Nuthouse.”

“Aye, it be Captain Sandals.”

“Spsssshhhh! What?” I spit out shrimp pieces as I break out into a fit of laughter. “Sandals? Like the shoes, and the resorts?”

“Aye lad! Just like the resorts! In fact, I started that business. Well it was my idea to start it. But my greedy son Teddy Sandals, took credit for it.”

I spit out my iced tea and began to bowl over with laughter again.

“Teddy Sandals? That name is hilarious you can’t be serious! What’s your first name? Let me guess. Larry Sandals.”

“Actually its Sammy Sandals. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t laugh at our family name! We are a very wealthy family. Well at least my son’s family is. He didn’t share the wealth with his mom and me. Dear ol Sally.”

“Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! Sally Sandals?”

“Shut up boy! She was a great woman! She was as sweet as honey. Aye, and she had dumps like a truck!”

“What did you just say? Hey, you know what? You don’t talk like how pirates should talk. Well at least according to the movies. What is your deal anyway?”


TO BE CONTINUED IN WEDNESDAY PT 2 IN THEATRES NEXT FRIDAY!